We know PA booze laws suck, but we’re not alone. Prohibition left many unsavory alcohol laws in its wake. While none of the following laws change the fact that the Pennsylvania liquor laws suck, next time you miss the Wine & Spirits closing by five minutes and a blinding white light of anger comes over you, just say to yourself: “At least I don’t live in Utah”.

-There are 18 “control” states, meaning that the state controls the selling and regulation of wine, beer, or spirits. Of these 18, Utah is the only one with all three completely regulated by the state. In Utah, all beer over 4% ABV is considered liquor and is thus subject to strict distribution laws and is not even allowed to be on tap in bars, which are only allowed to serve alcohol until 1am. Up until a year ago public drinking in Utah had to be done in privately owned clubs.

The insanity doesn’t stop there, there are ridiculous laws all over America regarding alcohol that just don’t seem to make any sense.

-In Fairbanks Alaska, lawmakers had the audacity to make it illegal to serve alcoholic beverages to moose. This has to make you wonder what terrible things an intoxicated moose is capable of..

-In St. Louis Missouri it is illegal to sit on a curb and drink beer from a bucket. Again, it begs the question, who, what, and why (amongst others, like “Why not?”)? Apparently this law is there because of just one man, Joseph "Bucket Man" Mossberger. As it goes the “Bucket Man” was an old, homeless, schizophrenic in St. Louis who would walk around with buckets in which people would pour beer (or more often, what was left of their beer), and he would drink it.

-Oddly enough in a state notorious for loose regulations on various things, they have some odd alcohol laws. The entire encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a recipe for making beer that could be used at home. In Lefors, it is also illegal to have more than three sips of beer while standing up, and in Houston it is illegal to buy beer after midnight on Sunday, yet it is perfectly fine to buy beer at any time Monday…. Yeah let that one soak in.

-It is illegal to “run a tab” in Iowa. Not that anybody actually cares about Iowa except politicians.

-Contrary to popular belief, the 21 and over drinking age is not a federal law, it is regulated by the state. However the government cuts 10% of highway funding if a state does not make their legal drinking age 21, and in some states it is legal for parents to give alcohol to people 18 and over, even within bars.

-In Vermont it is illegal to destroy the label on a keg, punishable by a maximum $1,000 fine and 2 years in prison.

-In Indiana it is illegal to sell milk and cold soft drinks in liquor stores, however it IS legal to sell warm (and presumably hot) soda.

-It is nationally prohibited to use the word “refreshing” when marketing alcoholic beverages.

-I bet you wish you had this law where you were growing up: In Missouri if a minor is caught taking out a trash bag that contains an empty alcohol container, they can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol.

-In Ohio, it is illegal to get your fish drunk. Sorry for ruining your plans.

In summation, this is not only a list of weird alcohol laws, but a bucket list of things to do before you die.

01.28.11